i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
