He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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