mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
