ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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