Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
