the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
