Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Randomize
