I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
