what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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