Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
