So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
