We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
