Is it because I queefed?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
