You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
