Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
