I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
