I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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