very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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