I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm having to shit out rocks
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