the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
