I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
