John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
