I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
