I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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