She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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