Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
