I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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