There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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