They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
