I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
