Duck Duck Cougar?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
