OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
