someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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