I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
they need to just BURY HIM!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
