The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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