he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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