I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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