my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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