there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
