he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
