It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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