There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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