You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
