There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
