Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
