OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
