Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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