I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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