dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
