Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
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I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
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If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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