So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
