Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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