You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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