I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
